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28.08
Thursday
You’re listening to the evening news update with Arthur. The latest headlines in one minute. Some good news for humanity at the top of the hour, we are running ahead of schedule and it seems the end of times will be happening a lot sooner than we thought, and in quite an unexpected manner. Here’s what I would say as your twin brother, if I was asked to make a statement earlier today:
‘We’ve always been silly by nature (humans), but never before had constant affirmation that others want us to be silly (the internet), and now things are getting quite out of hand. Who would have thought that the end of times would be so utterly silly. A ridiculous game of distraction, monstrous in its simplicity and effectiveness. If we had ever convinced ourselves that progress/time was linear … now we’ve gone and made it fractal. Progress sounds good, but also means wherever the endpoint is, we’re getting there infinitely faster. Why is everyone in such a rush to end it all?’
As everyone knows, the enemy of progress is regulation, and the Australian government this week is facing extensive criticism for bringing in a social media ban for children, a world first, and everyone is fucking complaining about it. The US companies have finally responded to calls to take some responsibility for eroding global democracy and quality of life, seeming a bit annoyed, ‘We’re really never going to do anything about it, we thought that was obvious. Stop asking us.’
You’re still listening to the evening news update with Arthur when you look out the window and decide it looks like rain. A statement from the Department of Reality today: more things are now officially a scam than not a scam. Quite the tipping point! Quite the time to be alive. After handing down the relatively uncontroversial decision last week that skincare and the entire beauty industry is a scam (‘there is no goo in a jar that can make you hotter’) this week the Department added the following scams for women: heterosexuality, traditional romance narratives, and the concept of becoming irrelevant as you age. Most are welcoming the verdict, although many are calling for clarification as to whether childbirth and childrearing belong in those categories. As for men, they still mainly have Joe Rogan. In related news, further cuts to the Department’s workforce are expected to dissolve it imminently. Bye reality, it’s been fun.
You’re still listening to me, your brother, when Dad leans over and turns on the windscreen wipers for you. Another huge tipping point expected tomorrow when the extremist horseshoe—that’s the political phenomenon of the far right and the far out left reaching out to hold hands behind everyone else’s back—will officially close and become one infinite loophole of fascist rhetoric.
Millennials are now officially nostalgic for what they, at the time, thought were the darkest years of their life: the mid-2010s. What was once hoped to be a dip in the economy and quality of life (post-2008), is now actually perceived as an upwards inflection point before things got really bad. Oh brother!
And don’t forget, Joyriders, that people are still inherently good, despite all this. When things fall apart, change is possible. That’s it for the news update. You need to go home and finish that poem now. Today was a rough one, so here’s Björk with ‘Big Time Sensuality’ to take us out. It takes courage to enjoy it, sis.
Done reading